So much has happened, so little has happened. Funny how life works huh? It feels like day by day you go on doing the same thing you have always done, following schedules, routines and yet when you look back somehow you have changed, things are not as they were.
I have wanted to write a new blog for a long time now but honestly a lot has happened and most of it too personal to share in these pages, things that have kept me very busy. A lot has happened that I can share though and that is what I wanted to write about.
I followed my new schedule I wrote about in my last post and I have to say, it made me so happy, having the schedule, the structure was refreshing and helped me so much, as as a child it was something I was lacking, I spoke to my therapist and they said my childhood was ‘invalidating’, meaning my needs as a child were not met, which caused me to grow very quickly and as I previously wrote about I became an expert in survival but without a sense of who I was. Which means my schedule includes things like brushing teeth, washing etc. It may sound silly but if they are not written down I do forget. I had a ‘mission book’ because a ‘to do’ list just seemed too boring and the idea of daily missions excited me. I was reading books, writing diaries, pursuing goals and it excited and exhausted me. I was discharged from the community health care team, as I had reached a place where I understood myself and my illness enough to be so.
My son and I were closer than ever and so happy. I even got a day job and was once again in charge of my own finances. I was going to the gym regularly and really starting to see the changes, 20lbs down as of last week. Nothing had happened on the acting scene in regards of paid employment but I was doing lots of workshops and working on my craft at home, I even had a cameo in an amazing independent feature film (Seat25) two friends had written. Then my knee started to play up, I have had this problem for a long time but recently it has been made so much worse (I am currently undergoing consultations for surgery). Everything ground to a halt. The gym became almost impossible to go to, home life was incredibly difficult (school runs on one leg are less than ideal) and I started to lose who I felt I was, all the work I had done seemed pointless, I lost motivation and momentum.
But then this morning after a random act of kindness from a near stranger jolted me back into my head I realised that the work isn’t pointless because while I have been feeling down, I haven’t done (or even thought about doing) anything to put myself in harm. I haven’t lost the work at the gym because while my eating choices have been less than healthy, I have continued to lose weight and get stronger because I had the education and subconsciously I was stopping myself from returning to my old patterns. I realised that the struggles I have been in since late last year have made me stronger and actually made me implement my new behavior which in turn created a new resilience.
I like the image of a phoenix, rebuilding from the ashes and with this image emblazoned in my mind, I have recommitted to the things that make me happy, after all, only I am responsible for that and only I want to be. I had been making excuses and not finding a way, just because a few things had changed in my life I had allowed that to stop my new commitments. Health is a very important thing and while I am going to do everything I can to get back to being healthy I will no longer let it be the reason for inaction.
I couldn’t be more grateful now that I see my recent challenges with new eyes because I have proven to myself, I have changed, I have also realised that I am still me and road bumps may slow me down but they cannot de-rail me because the destination I eventually reach will be the destination I was meant to reach. The wheel never stops turning, speed isn’t important, experiences are, memories are, you are. So I have given up on beating myself up for the things that happened and I move forward with the call to be kinder to myself. Many things that have happened in my twenties have been challenges and difficult but they have led me to the person I am and most importantly I know who that is now and we get along.
I am thirty next month and I couldn’t be more excited, as my mum always says,
‘On to a new chapter’
New challenges, experiences and memories await. I step into my third decade feeling strong and ready, in full knowledge of who I am, what I stand for (and will not tolerate) I am ready to continue the journey and grow with it, to set an example for my son, and in his words,
‘You are the most beautiful woman and bestest mummy in the whole wide world!’
and quiet frankly, you cannot argue with the logic of a boy that uses his trousers to balance his dinkle on while he wees and toilet tissue to lift the seat and flush the toilet so he doesn’t touch any germs because he hates washing his hands!