I spoke about being kind to myself last week which is my resolution this year and how it helped me to see my patterns more clearly. It helped this week too.
On Monday I twisted my ankle, which, if you know me, isn’t that rare of an occasion (weak joints run in my family – Yay!). I was already having a pretty meh day of it anyway and the physical injury was the icing on the crap cake of my day. My son was in the bath when it happened and I rang Steve to come and help out as I couldn’t put any weight on my foot. To make it even better my son was in a Slime Baff. So poor Steve not only had to deal with me being a grumpy Gertie but he also had to contend with my son in a bath of green slime! Once my little one had been hosed down and wrapped in his snuggly PJ’s he was concerned because mummy wasn’t well. I don’t know if there are any other parents out there who find that when they are hurt/unwell their child tends to be quite upset too but my Baba gets really concerned and usually wants to do everything he can to help and also not leave my side. It is the sweetest thing that he gets so protective but I have to remind him that as much as I love his care for me, it’s not his job to look after me, its mine to look after him. Once we had a cuddle and he understood the best thing he could do for me was to go to bed like normal so mummy could rest, he dutifully went to sleep. Steve got the sofa bed out, so I could relax and rest my ankle while watching TV. I felt like absolute rubbish and it went so beyond the pain I was in, my brain went into, ‘Here we go again mode’ and started spiralling into lots of worse case scenarios, like, if I’m always ill or injured I’m going to die an unfulfilled failure, for example. So, I decided the best way to be kind to myself was to put on some Brooklyn Nine-Nine to distract me from my negative voice and me and Steve watched TV until I was ready to sleep. My mood flopped into the next morning as I began to think of the ramifications for my week and all the things I couldn’t do. I lay on the sofa bed and resigned myself to a day of TV, then something clicked in my brain and my positive voice whispered, ‘You can still do your workout, just don’t do anything standing up’ So I did, I went through my entire workout at home sat on an exercise ball and at the end of it I was full of endorphins and my positive voice said to me, ‘It’s ok to allow yourself recovery time, you can watch positive videos and read a self-help book’. I listened again and by the end of the day I felt better than I had in a long time. Having Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) means, among other things, my moods jump all over the place and it’s very difficult to maintain a consistent emotion for too long, so even when I’m feeling positive in the morning I could be utterly depressed by the end of the day. So to have a consistently positive day can be a rare thing. I realised why I hadn’t been feeling this good for a long time. I had been forgetting to remember to practice daily meditation and absorb positive literature. I had been so focused on other things they had simply left my daily routine and I hadn’t even noticed. The rest of the week went really well. My ankle healed pretty quickly, I maintained my workouts and the best part of the week for me was that we got snow! My son has been desperate for it to snow and so had I. Snow is without doubt my favourite weather – especially at night when the world is brighter and softer at the same time. I just get so full of joy and wonder, it is so beautiful to me (as is evident by my face below – haha).
Now I’m not saying that everyday is going to be great moving forward now I’ve stopped forgetting to remember to feed the positivity within myself, in fact today has been a weird one actually. I felt incredibly anxious for no reason and it took a lot for me to open my laptop and write this post but as I have been writing about positivity I have been feeling less and less anxious, so I guess just thinking about it has helped. I’m also not saying there aren’t going to be days that I do forget or it just doesn’t feel enough. What I am saying though is that for me, repeating rituals and practises that make me feel good is something I could be more mindful of including in my daily life and I hope moving forward I can continue to build on it so I can be my best self, for myself and the people I love and will meet and grow to love. Find what works for you and stick with it because there are so many people trying to extinguish lights in this world it’s our job to shine ours even brighter to help those lost in the dark.
Be kind to each other, be kind to yourself.