I have calmed down since my slightly manic rant yesterday, calmed down in the sense I am no longer breathing fire but unfortunately my moods been pinging again. This week has been quite frankly, a bastard! I’m trying to think of the triggers but I’m coming up blank. Today my little man was ill, poorly tummy and the pungent joy that comes with it, because of this I kept him home from school, also because of the nature of the sickness he can’t go back until 48 hours after the last, *ahem – episode. So my little baba has been in a make shift bed on the ‘big’ sofa today making his round eyes square. I’ve been keeping it together for him, at least on the outside.
I was going to be making candles with steve today as part of the prep for our business we want to start this year and I was raring and excited to go, we didn’t have a jug suitable though so he went out and in the space of half an hour the clouds rolled in, the thunder started and it took all my power to stop the rain. I had to veto the plans and be on my own with baba. As I lay on the other sofa, feeling the storm surge inside me, I knew that I could not fall apart ike I did yesterday while he was at school, it was then I decided to go to the Mind website (www.mind.org.uk – they have so much information covering so much, I highly suggest you go look if you are suffering or know someone who is) and look at their information about personality disorders, after educating myself a little I moved to Instagram and posted the photo that is the featured image of this blog, I titled it ‘the difference of a few hours while living with BPD’, then I went on a hashtag search for BPD and was shocked at how many profiles came up, I went through them, reading people’s stories, liking and commenting on many of them and you know what? It all became a little more manageable. Actually engaging in the community I belong to helped me feel stronger, as if by reading others struggles and commitments to recovery, I was by osmosis becoming stronger and more committed myself. I have never done a hashtag search before, I just post and look at what my friends are doing but by ‘getting out there’ so to speak I found others whom I’ve never met and it was comforting, I felt part of something greater and in turn I felt greater myself. Then I stood up put my boxing gloves on and beat the holy crap out of my punch bag for ten minutes straight, when I finished little man looked up from his pillow and the Minecraft YouTube video he was watching and said to me, ‘My mummies the best mummy in the world because she is so strong, like a superhero’ I’m not sure how that didn’t break me but I smiled and said if I’m a super hero than he has to be one too because he is my son and we agreed we are both pretty awesome,. Honestly do I feel completely better and as good as this morning? No but I do see that a little effort on my part to engage in a wider sense and talk to people in a similar situation to me is helpful and it also means my son sees me as a hero, which doesn’t suck.
So if today is a bad day for you, if the thought of moving seems to much, just have a look on the internet for people like you and read their stories, I can’t promise it will solve everything but it might help and who doesn’t need a little help every now and again? I can’t say absolutely it will work for you but I can say for me it was extremely inspiring and I feel privileged to be a part of such a kick ass group of people who refuse to let illness define them, that battle through – even when battling through is saying, ‘Its ok if I need to stay in bed today, tomorrow is a different day’
And you know what? Tomorrow is a different day, recovery isn’t a straight road but you don’t have to walk that road alone,
be kind to others, be kind to yourselves.