I got out of the house today. Me and my baba were both feeling a little stir crazy, he has stopped needing the bathroom every twenty minutes and although he is still poorly, feeling much better than yesterday. So we hopped in the car with Steve and went to Lakeside. I love driving, well I love being a passenger, I havent actually passed my test. I did start learning when I was seventeen but I couldn’t afford to keep going and the same has been true a few times through my life, I’m hoping to rectify that this year but we shall see. Anyways back to the original story, I love driving, watching the world go by, seeing interesting sights or just marveling at the cars as the speed past, I often find myself wondering about the people in them, Who are they? What’s their story? Where are they going? I find that being outside yet in the relative safety of a car helps my mind concentrate effortlessly on other things and when it is free of the usual burdens it can get to work on my issues quietly in the background without my realising it
Lakeside was fun, I got to go look at the make-up counters and swatch new products, Miles got to go in the Disney store and see all the cool toys and generally we just got to breathe different air around actual people. We were not there long just an hour or so and when it was time to leave we were ready, both feeling a bit drained and tired, Miles fell asleep on the way home but I started thinking about my life. I have a tendency to want the opposite of what I have, when I’m working I long to just goof off and relax, watching TV or reading a book but when I try to do these things I can’t relax because all I want to do is get on with my work, it made me think of ‘Buridan’s Ass’
”BURIDAN’S ASS is an illustration of a paradox in philosophy in the conception of fee will.
It refers to a hypothetical situation wherein an ass that is equally hungry and thirsty is placed precisely midway between a stack of hay and a pail of water. Since the paradox assumes the ass will always go to which ever is closer, it will die both of hunger and thirst as it can not make a rational decision to choose one over the other.” – Wikipedia
Obviously in this situation I’m the ass (yes, yes get the laughter out… Ok that’s enough, Jesus!) I cannot make a decision on what to do, always desiring the other but never wanting it. It also applies to the many goals in my life which are all of equal importance to me. I’m always scared to take one step because while it’s a step closer to one thing its a step away from other things. This confusion is making me slowly die of both thirst and hunger. I also realised that I’m back in my wheel house of self sabotage. Then I realised that I’m aware of it. It may not sound a lot but I have become mindful that the pattern is in play and I have swallowed my pride and gotten myself refered once gain to my community mental health team. While it can feel like this is stepping away from everything, or indeed backwards, I could argue that by taking the steps to maintaining my mental health I am actually walking towards everything I’m wanting and when I emerge even stronger I hope I can see the logic in picking one and working on it, then moving on to the next. Or possibly even taking on a couple of tasks because while I might be putting certain things on the back burner it sure as hell beats dying an ass.
Be kind to others, be kind to yourselves.