Just as a quick heads up, I’m going to be talking about my smear test today, so if that’s not your jam, I won’t be offended. OK you’ve been warned.
I had to get my smear test done today (If you remember, I had to re-arrange it because it clashed with my sons assembly last week that actually turned out to be in March and it also turns out I need to read school newsletters better!) I never look forward to someone I don’t know parting me and having a good old grope before they scrape cells off my cervix – I Know I’m crazy!
Can I just take a moment to say, I love being a woman but it comes with some pretty crappy stuff, mostly involving random people and my vagina (alright, calm down, I meant medical professionals, filth, the lot of you!)
So, it was business as usual, laying there akimbo stripped from the waste down. The first red flag was when the nurse told me to ‘Lay back and think of England’ No one needs to hear this before an evasive test, especially with all the negative connotations it brings to mind about women having no say in when they have sex as it is their ‘duty’, it’s less welcome to the ear of someone, like me, who has suffered sexual abuse. I told her that was a terrifying thing to say, she changed it to ‘Think of your next holiday’ (HOLIDAY!? hahahah yeah, like I know what that is). From the minute the test started it wasn’t the usual discomfort, it was pain and as she collected the cells, I was actually crying and scraping my fingernails on the wall because I could barely take it. I told her it hurt and she told me it was because I was ‘fighting it’ After the test was over, she did not give me anything to clean myself with, I was left to fend for myself in that department. She kept trying to explain it was difficult because they needed to get a good sample but also be gentle. I was in too much pain and just wanted to leave.
The pain didn’t stop. When I got to the car I couldn’t sit down, it hurt so much. The pain got worse and included incredibly painful cramps, insane swelling (seriously,check out the cover photo!), shooting pains and constant aching. I could feel where she had been scraping, it was awful. I rang the Dr’s to explain my situation because I knew this was not normal, I’ve had enough smear tests to know that this is not what they are supposed to be like. The gave me an emergency appointment. Steve drove me back to the Dr’s (by this point I could barely walk and the shooting pains and cramping were thick and fast. I saw a wonderfully kind Dr and she said that she was very sorry that I had such a horrible experience and to better know why this was happening she would need to take a look (YAY) She couldn’t see anything untoward but told me, my body was basically thinking I was in labour from the test and I was having contractions. Just incase you didn’t know I am not pregnant but I’m having false labour, or at least the beginning of it. I have been prescribed muscle relaxants, pain killers and anti inflammatories and have spent most of my day laying down on the pull out bed in the living room. I’m not feeling better yet but I am hoping with a good nights rest, it will have stopped by morning.
Oh I forgot to mention my favorite part, while I was in the room with the dr, the nurse that caused all this was stood outside of the door trying to listen in! Steve saw her and told her that she couldn’t do that and she actually tried to defend eavesdropping on my private consultation by saying, ‘Its ok, I’m a nurse’ He got her to move. Honestly I’m in shock.
I would like to clarify, that if you have never had a smear test, this is not the norm, AT ALL and as uncomfortable as the situation is, it really is vital to your health to get regular screenings.
The good news portion of my day is my beautiful agent let me know I have an audition on Thursday, it’s the first project I have had an audition for through him that isn’t a commercial (I am not saying there is anything wrong with commercial work, just incase that reads that way, I’m just excited at the project) I got the message as soon as I got in the car after my second appointment and honestly it saved the day! It’s very exciting and I have spent most of the day preparing!
So to round-up, the smear test from hell, false labour without being pregnant, audition and 10 things starts tomorrow! Who says a girl can’t have it all!
until tomorrow (when the fun starts!)
Be kind to others, be kind to yourselves.