I’m actually trembling. Today I had to write a monologue in the form of a performance or beat poem and record myself reading it, I was so sure I wouldn’t be able to do it. Lots of crap happened today on top of that fear, my washing machine died, I had a full-blown anxiety attack and my body was screaming at me that I just needed to stay still.
I’ve always been scared of mixing a beat with talking, I remember having a full diva meltdown about an exercise in a singing lesson where I had to speak the song instead of well, sing it. For some reason my head can’t compute talking to a rhythm (unless I’m rapping along with the TMNT theme song while my son sings, obviously I sound awesome!) So I felt crippled by this challenge today, I spent all day in my head trying to claw an idea from somewhere about something. I put it off and put it off.
I decided I needed to relax, so I started watching a YouTube video (Stephanie Nicole: Get To Know Me) and in it she was getting emotional about how hard her mum worked and hustled and that no matter how shitty the card you were dealt is, you can achieve your dreams. I paused the video, took a deep breath, opened my laptop and started feverishly writing, I went for about ten minutes, corrected any spelling mistakes and printed it off. Then I ran to my room, recorded it and submitted it, so I couldn’t over think it.
I felt incredibly relieved to have done it and I then started to feel sick with nerves because I was scared, I have never done something like this, put something out that was so raw in its original form and emotionally. I think it was my reading it that made me feel this way, more than if I had just published the words.
I have calmed down a little now and I am feeling mostly proud of myself for facing my fear and doing it anyway. I’ve also had some lovely things said about it, in the short time its been up. So if you are interested to hear what it sounds like, here is the link28 Plays Later: Challenge 4 (Just Like Me)
The biggest thing I’ve learned from the writing process today is sometimes you just have to trust yourself and let go, life is always going to get in the way. Nothing happens in a vacuum (as much as I wish it would sometimes) and I am lucky enough to have a creative outlet, so I can use my shitty times to fuel whatever I’m doing.
If you are struggling, just pick something up, a pen, paper, paints whatever and start doing something, it doesn’t matter if its good or bad, it’s just a way for you to get it out, to use it.
I’m going to have a cup of camomile now and watch the rest of the video.
Be kind to others, be kind to yourselves.