I’ve just taken a break from writing todays assignment (I’m half way through), which is to write a Murder Mystery. I was really excited when I got the brief through last night, I’m a bit of an addict when it comes to ‘who dun ems’ and was chomping at the bit to start (unlike yesterdays performance poem) Here’s the thing though, murder mysteries are bloody tough to write! Every idea is either cliché or would take much longer than a day to complete (especially when you have to keep a child alive).
I can’t write the story I want to because I don’t have the time (I have no idea what that story is FYI, its defiantly way better than what I am writing and most likely would have been picked up as the next episode for Sherlock, obviously), which means I am having to write something very imperfect. I struggle with perfection as a concept. I know it doesn’t exist but I want it, I want to be it. I want everyone to read my play and go, ‘Isn’t she good!’ It’s vain I know but the heart wants what the heart wants. So, because of this I am hating every second of writing today, it feels like a slog, an arduous belly crawl to get to a finish line I’m not interested in reaching.
I do though want to reach the end of 28 Plays Later, so in order to do that I have to finish. So if I let today beat me, I am choosing to quit the whole experiance, its a choice crossroads and I want to go both ways.The main problem is I’m having zero fun today. Who knew writing could feel like such a job sometimes?
I have read about authors saying, there are some days you want to go nowhere near the laptop but you have to force yourself and I believed them but I didn’t realise how difficult it is to continue through such doubt in yourself. Sure, I don’t have to put on real clothes if I don’t want to, don’t be fooled though writing is HARD, especially when you’d rather be doing anything else.
So, yes, today is horrible, I no faith in what I’m writing but I’ve started so I’ll finish. I keep reminding myself this is one challenge out of 28, no ones expecting a first draft to be amazing (as much as I want it to be) and perfection is a lie. I just have to DO IT.
God, I hope tomorrow is better but I’ll only get there by completing today, so I’m going to get back to my capture and endure the torture in hope of a brighter tomorrow.
so until tomorrow,
Be kind to each other, be kind to yourselves and for the love of all that is sanity don’t try to write a murder mystery in a day!