28 Plays Later: Challenge 6 (Oak Smoked)

After the rigor of the weekend we were given a lighter load today and were tasked with writing a play that begins with the line, ‘You’re a liar, and I don’t care that I’m naked, I won’t come off the roof unless you tell me why your sister asked me about my first time!’ I decided to write something a bit silly and fun, it was much needed after yesterday!

Oak Smoked.

Samantha Frost

6th February

 

Characters

Jack (30’s)

Eva (30’s)

 

Jack is completely naked apart from socks which are pulled up as far as they can go, he looks disheveled, tired and irate. He is stood on top of his and Eva’s house. Eva is stood on the lawn.

Jack:

You’re a liar, and I don’t care that I’m naked, I won’t come off the roof unless you tell me why your sister asked me about my first time!

Eva:

For God’s sake Jack just cover yourself up. Your penis is making eye contact with whole bloody street!

Jack:

I DON’T CARE. I’ll do the friggin helicopter while singing, ‘I am what am I’ as loud as I can in my best Pavarotti voice if you don’t tell me!

Eva:

(to herself) Not Pavarotti. (To Jack) Ok fine, fine! But I’m not screaming up at you from the garden! And only if you put bloody pants on, I’m gonna need some serious therapy after the angle you are gifting me with.

Jack:

How do I know you’re not just lying again to get me off the roof?!

Eva:

Can you just get down, before somebody calls the police? You are so lucky the schools on half term or you’d already be on a register!

Jack:

No

Eva:

God help me Jack, I’ll climb up there myself and drag you down by your freakishly long pubes if I have too!

Jack:

That’s uncalled for, you know I have a fear of sharp objects around the gents one slip and I’d be changing religion!

Eva:

You’re a fucking atheist!

Jack:

Don’t be pedantic!

Eva:

Jack, I mean it get your alabaster arse off the new slate tiles.

Jack:

No, I don’t trust you.

Eva:

Just get down.

Jack:

Not until you explain to me why all the lies?

Eva:

Ok, firstly I think ‘lie’ is a very strong word. I prefer to think of it as protection. I figured if you didn’t know it couldn’t hurt you.

Jack:

How long has this been going on?

Eva:

What?

Jack:

It’s too late to be innocent now! I need to know; how long have you been pulling this crap under my nose?

Eva:

I think you are slightly overacting here, it’s not that serious.

Jack:

Unbelievable.

Eva:

I didn’t think it would be such a big deal. I mean how often do we have it? Once twice a month, I didn’t think you’d care!

Jack:

You are so cheap! you pulled the same crap with the wholegrain bread! You bought regular instead of Taste the Difference, like I wouldn’t know!

Eva:

You didn’t know! Its only because I left the packaging out.

Jack:

Taste the difference is the best, I don’t know why you can’t just admit it. The clues in the name Eva, you can taste the difference. I mean I thought we’d put the betrayal and lies behind us and then your sister asks me about my first time eating bacon like a commoner, mocking me and I knew, I knew you stopped getting Taste the Difference, if you ever did it all! God, I’m so embarrassed, how am I supposed to look people in the eye? Everyone knew but me. I’m a laughing stock.

Eva:

It’s Bacon Jack who cares?

Jack:

It’s oak smoked Eva, it Oak smoked and you can taste…

Eva:

The difference, ok I get it.

Jack:

What is it?

Eva:

(quietly) Danish

Jack:

I can’t hear you

Eva:

It’s Danish

Jack:

(as if this is the biggest shock and betrayal of his life) No, no you didn’t

Eva:

It was on offer Jack, it was 80p a pack.

Jack:

You think that’s all I’m worth? That I can’t do better?

 

Eva:

What?!

Jack:

At least now I know what you think of me.

Eva:

No, I think you are amazing, honestly

Jack:

How can I ever trust you again after this! It’s a deal breaker!

Eva:

I’m so sorry honey. I promise from now on I’ll only buy Taste The Difference. You are right, you can taste the difference. I don’t know what I was thinking, the bargain hunter took over.

Jack:

You promise?

Eva:

I promise.

Jack:

Go get it.

Eva:

What? Why?

Jack:

I want to see you throw it in the wheelie.

Eva:

Really?

Jack:

Don’t push me Eva on the edge up here!

Eva:

Ok. You’re are right. I’m going, no need to do anything, I’m just going to slowly go get the bacon, I’ll be right back.

 

Eva goes off stage, comes straight back with the bacon packet.

Eva:

Look here it is.

Jack:

Is that the only packet?

Eva:

Yes, I used the rest in our butties on Sunday.

Jack:

Oh God!

Eva:

Stay calm Jack, I’m walking over to the bin, I’m putting it in. There done.

Jack:

Do you think I’m stupid? That’s a sealed packet, it’ll be out of the bin and in my next buttie! Take it out of the bin and open the packet, I want to see you throw it in rasher by cheap nasty rasher.

Eva:

OK.

She takes the bacon out, unpeels the packet, takes out the first rasher, holds it over the bin.

Eva:

I can’t do it Jack! It’s such a waste. Why don’t you come down, put some clothes on and we can go give it to the soup kitchen in town? You are such a kind, generous man, it seems only right that you would do something so lovely. They would be so grateful, you are already my hero, this is your chance to be other people’s hero to!

Jack:

Don’t be such a sycophant its either me or the Danish!

 

 

End.


One thought on “28 Plays Later: Challenge 6 (Oak Smoked)

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