Day 17: A Ramble.

Today’s assignment was to write a play without emotion and it’s funny because all week we have been writing heavily about emotion especially within ourselves, so to then go straight to this was a bit daunting.

I’m assuming it was used as a bit of a respite from the soul-searching. Here is the thing though, I don’t believe in life without emotion, for me especially as someone who has  borderline personality disorder, emotion is everything and I think life without it would be cold and hard and pointless. Everything has emotion attached or imposed on it, you can’t write something or see something without attaching your emotion to it as a viewer or as the creator.

The assignments are getting increasingly difficult and that makes sense, it is in essence a competition. Two days ago at the end of the assignment email there was a comment that I am sure was meant in jest but because of how emotional I was feeling it got under my skin, it felt a little bit passive aggressive  and I was upset by it. I didn’t really want to continue because I have had for my entire life an inferiority complex especially to do with authority figures, which makes sense as I had a bad relationship with a lot of authority figures especially in my earlier years. So even though it was a quip not aimed at me, I felt I had done wrong and wanted to quit, feel crappy and hide.

I’ve always felt that there are invisible rules that I need to abide by, that we’re never told about but you feel like you know when you’ve broken them. When you  are not sure  what to  wear or what to say, what should I do or not do? It’s very confusing to me. As I mentioned previously I can’t focus when things feel muddy and my brain shuts down and feels boggy.

Then today, today there was the sun!

The sun, it came back and it has been a beautiful day and I sensed that summer freedom. I don’t know if anyone else feels that way but when the sun comes out it frees me. It’s like there is a weightlessness to the day, it’s light and airy and everything seems better.  I got back to thinking about the comment that caused me to not feel so great about myself and I just started thinking I don’t care and that’s rare for me but I thought  you know what I don’t care. I’m not doing this for anybody else I’m doing this for me and not all of the challenges are going to inspire me, not everything I do all of the time is going to be amazing. But the fact that I am looking at that now head-on and understanding it, makes me go I just don’t care. I don’t care if what I write is horrible. I don’t care if it doesn’t make others happy because this right now, this whole project is to free me. To shake me up a bit and move me out of the comfort zone and it is so refreshing.

Only I can write what I write. Sure, maybe you’ve read something similar before but only I will write those words in that way. Whether it is amazing or awful, it really doesn’t matter. This is an experiment for me, it’s a way to just get me out of my head, where I live all the time and if nothing else comes of this entire thing, this is huge for me. I don’t care. And I don’t mean that in a flippant or arbitrary way because I live deeply within my life with my emotions I’m connected very strongly to them, it’s part of having BDP. I just got to the point where I felt like it doesn’t matter because there’s always going to be someone who likes me or the things I do and someone that doesn’t so the only person I need to please is me.

I wrote my son a book about this for Christmas and it still had not sunk in my own head. But it did today and maybe it was watching back-to-back episodes of Parks and Recreation because Leslie Knope should be everybody’s hero, but it just came to me.

I committed to writing  a play a day and that is unrealistic in the long-term obviously, but the whole point is to push yourself creatively and emotionally and  it has done that, which is brilliant but not every day is going to be something that I necessarily agree with, as what a play should be, but by making myself write in that way, that particular day, I’m pushing at the comfort levels and sometimes coming up with ideas I might not have had otherwise.

So what I mean by, I don’t care is that I’ve let go of the tension. I just wrote something, I just sat down and wrote for the challenge and that is what came out. And now I am just feeling really great, I am I feel fresh and revived and really happy.

I’m going to really look at my priorities at the weekend and just have a little reshuffle, I think I need to focus on less. I focus on so many things that you kind of end up half assing stuff and you get sick. I get sick and then I can’t do it because I’m trying to do too many things. I’m going to try  for  simplicity. I’m obviously keeping up with this challenging and the ’10 Things’ serious because I’m really enjoying it. I’m enjoying the challenge of it all but I need to just take the pressure off myself. I put so much pressure on myself it’s crazy and thanks to Leslie Knope and the sunshine today I think that’s it the most important thing in life, to live, feel and enjoy it. So I’m taking the pressure off.

I know this was quite a ramble today but I’m in one of those moods where I could just gush about how I’m feeling and I probably have not expressed it as well as I could but I’ve expressed it as well as I could in this moment. That’s the point, I’m here to explain to you my life as I feel it.

Until tomorrow,

Be kind to others, be kind to yourselves.

x


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