My emotions have been all over the place today. Firstly I had a very sad boy on my hands because he was still too poorly to go to school and today was World Book Day, he has been so excited about being able to go to school dressed as Harry Potter and the realisation he couldn’t go brought him to tears. We had agreed last night if he couldn’t go to school he could still dress up and we would take pictures for him to show to his friends but he was so disheartened he didn’t want to dress up anymore. I felt like a failure to be honest, I didn’t know what to do to help him and I had an assessment appointment with my community mental health team, so I had to leave shortly after.
The appointment itself was very strange, I shared all the reasons I was there and wanted their help, namely to learn more about BPD and how to manage it, so I can live a fuller life. I felt like what I was saying wasn’t enough, that some how I wasn’t ill enough for help and this was verified at the end of the appiontment when the worker said to me she would have to take my case away and work out if I was eligible, because as she said I wasn’t in crisis. This thinking is backwards to me and I expressed this to her, that someone is not deemed, ‘bad enough’ to help, so they are sent away until inevitably, without the help they need they reach crisis point, self harm or possibly suicide. She agreed with me and said they lack the resources. I felt particularly disheartened. There is something fundamentally wrong about asking for help, at the right time from the right people and not being taken seriously because you aren’t at breaking point. It shouldnt have to get to that extreme to be helped, I’ve been in that place before and I don’t want to go back there simply to get help when if someone could assist me now, I would be much better off. If you have a physical injury the doctor doesn’t tell you to come back when you need an amputation, so why should it be this way in mental health. I think it is utterly appalling.
Then straight after leaving my appointment, when I was feeling hard done by and justified in that feeling I received a text from my agent, asking me how good my tango was.This may sound like a strange question but it was simply this, at drama school I trained in social dances, one of which was the tango and it has been on my cv since I graduated. I am not a dancer by a long way but I do have good natural rhythm and was pretty good in class, so I had it on my cv in that respect, as in if my character needed to dance this was my proof that I could do it. Of course firstly, this was almost ten years ago and I havent danced in this capacity since then and secondly, it just says ‘tango’ on my cv, it doesn’t provide a back story or my limitations as a trained dancer, I know it, because I’m me but to other people it simply says, ‘Can Tango’ I had to tell him, I couldn’t and I felt embarrassed and ashamed at making such a silly mistake and also how unprofessional it potentially made me and worse him look. It was a weird change of gear from vindicated to at fault and it didn’t feel good. The only way I could feel even slightly ok about it was to hold my hands up to the mistake, rectify it and apologise. Thankfully my agent is a wonderful man and he was very gracious about the whole thing. Once I had apologised I felt slightly better and decided dwelling on such a stupid, petty oversight was not how I wanted to spend my day.
Instead, I came up with an idea to help my son out, I made a large indoor picnic and we binged watched some Harry Potter, then my sister took a picture of him and drew over it to make him look like Harry Potter doing a spell! It was gorgeous and brought a tear to my eye and a huge smile to my sons face. It did the trick, he was much happier, cuddling up to me and watching the films, with only a few minor roid rages.
So the day that started with a frown ended with a smile and the feeling that I could handle the situation.
Be kind to each other, Be kind to yourselves.