There has been a growing feeling of disconnect, dissatisfaction and overwhelm growing in me for quite some time now and it appears this weeks acts of kindness have been the catalyst I needed to recognise within myself this discord.
As I have spoken about previously I have daily battles with mental health and this is certainly adding to this feeling of unease within myself. I have been running head first into things in hoping they will provide some form of salve to my problems but it is clear to me now that at all times I have been running away from myself, terrified that if not right now, then when? What I mean by this is the concept of time has had me paralysed and kept me prisoner of my own jail. Instead of taking time away from all the excess and the band aids I constantly find, I have been in a constant state of fear of missing out, scared I will never have the time.
This week in particular has been one of the hardest weeks I can remember for my on a personal level, struggling with self-imposed deadlines and a need to succeed and to do it in the most expedient way possible. I understand that this is folly and that if I do not take the time now to look within myself and get back to basics to provide a stable foundation for myself, I will be constantly trying to build a house on the sand.
So I am postponing for now my blog and removing all possible outside pressures to commit to learning about who I am and what I need. I will likely blog on occasion through this process to let you know how I am getting on but it clear to me at this point in my life I need to make some radical changes to my approach because I am perpetuating a cycle that has proven ineffective time and time again.
I am in the position (as a ‘resting’ actor) to be able to have this time and freedom in-between auditions and jobs to do this. I have been getting ill a lot recently and I have found my mental state suffering and it has come to the point where I can no longer deny the need for me to put myself first so that I may then be able to engage with others in a loving and generous manner. So for now I am going to be focusing on myself and my son without putting a time limit on or indeed rushing my recovery.
Be kind to others, be kind to yourself.