Hey, I know its been a while and as I said, I really needed to take time for self care and honestly I can’t say for sure that I’m back, just that there are a few things that have been building up that I needed to write down.
I’ve been going through a really hard time and continue to do so, my moods are up and down constantly, one minute I’m happy and dancing round my house ‘Risky Business’ style and the next I’m sat staring into space wanting to go out but not wanting to leave at the same time. I’ve been feeling hopeless in my career and even though I am taking steps to create my own opportunities (I’m making a comedy short, writing a short film and also some children’s books) while the phone continues not to ring but I can’t shake the feeling I’m not doing enough and truly I know that is because I know I’m not. I see the things sometimes, that I should be doing, like looking at a garden through a glass wall I can see it but I can’t get to it. As I type it all sounds very melodramatic but living with it is real and painful. I constantly worry I’m not enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not talented enough, not like-able enough, not clever enough you get the picture.
I have a near constant feeling that I’ve done something wrong and even the slightest thing can set it off or make it worse. Completely irrational things, someone I perceive to look at me wrong or a friend not responding to text message. I can see that I am over reacting and I certainly don’t say, ‘Hey why are you not texting me back, what have I done?’ or stink eye a stranger, I keep those feelings to myself because life has taught me that those feelings are irrational but I continue to feel them. Its as if I feel that I am bothering and irritating everyone around me and that makes way for anxiety and second guessing everything I say or do.
I recently confided in my younger sister that I feel the older I get the less love-able I become and I don’t mean because of my age but because of my mounting ‘baggage’ I am a single mother that suffers with mental illness, I have stretch marks and self harm scars, my body finds new ways of breaking or marring itself, I have little in the way of career success and less in financial terms. I am lonely, desperately sometimes but feel if I was the type of person I want to be in my life, I wouldn’t be because, in reality what have I to offer?
My days have felt very similar for a while now and I can feel I’m on survival and not ‘living’ mode. I went to my Dr a while back because I could feel this coming on and she referred me back to my local community health team, who after waiting a while told me they could give me some medication that wasn’t particularly relevant for some one with bpd but as I wasn’t currently self harming or suicidal, I didn’t meet their threshold for therapy or further help but that I should go back to my Dr (who has to refer me to them as she is not psychiatrist) so I feel very much alone there too.
I think it comes down to a deep well of insecurity and lack of self love, a missing self esteem, healthy body image and lack of focus which tie into both my past traumas and my mental health issues.
I’m nervous writing this as its very close to me and I haven’t had the words to describe how I’ve been feeling, also its nowhere close to everything but a lot of things I can’t explain as I don’t know how. I’m also nervous that when read this makes me more unlovable and may scare people away but it needed to be written, for my own sanity.
Thank you if you have read this far and I truly hope you are doing better than I am, but if you want to talk to some one please feel welcome to write in the comments section.
Be kind to each other. Be kind to yourselves,