Annnnd I back.
Firstly, let me just say thank you for being so patient, its been a long time since I posted, proper. My last post was quite bleak in tone and since posting it, I have considered quite a few times about deleting it (I have had a serious intermittent emotional hang over) but I decided not too, because it is a true reflection of how I was feeling and I think its important to show that.
I stopped blogging, or I should say, took a break because I was going through a really difficult time emotionally with my mental health. Usually with BPD its relatively quick cycling, meaning I can feel great in the morning but by the afternoon (or, five minutes later) I feel completely different – or vice versa with no outside stimulus. The difference this time was that I wasn’t bouncing back, I was stuck in quite a bad depression and I simply couldn’t seem to find a foot hold for longer than a couple of hours at a time. It felt exhausting.
I’ve been dissecting what I think could have been my trigger and I think I was trying to do too much, all at once, in very little time. So I inevitably crashed, like you would do on a starvation diet – it is impossible to maintain, unhealthy and you end up feeling worse than you did to start with. The result was I let everything fall apart, I felt like I couldn’t cope with anything other than the essentials of keeping myself alive and I mean bare essentials, I ate what ever was a case of grab and go or I didn’t eat, I barely washed never mind any kind of skin care, make-up etc and when my son was at school, I simply lay on the sofa watching Netflix and often weeping. I became irritable and had to work really hard on not snapping at Miles for no reason. As always that is one of the hardest and best things about having him when I have ‘re-lapses’ or particularly difficult days. I say this because all I want to do is lock myself away from the world and indulge in unhealthy old-habits but I can’t because of him and that can sometimes feel physically painful to deny my impulses but I do because I have a child who needs me. It’s the best because it’s almost like having a safe guard against myself now. He’s taught me prudence, I can see beyond the impulse to the consequence and it stops me. It’s not easy but I do it and I am grateful to him and proud of myself for that, as it certainly hasn’t always been the case.
When I put my last post up, I felt quite hopeless but by writing it down and putting it out there, it started to shift something in me, a reader was kind enough to suggest things to help and I started talking about it more in my day-to-day life and slowly and certainly not straight away I started to see a small shard of light breaking through the dense clouds that had been suffocating me.
I spent some time and really thought about things I had done in the past that brought me peace and purpose and instead of trying to implement everything at all once, I’ve taken a few things and made a short morning and evening routine for myself, which include reviewing goals, visualisation, affirmations, journaling and reading. I’ve also allowed myself time and forgiveness. Something which may sound silly but has helped me immensely, is to remember that visuals have a big impact on me, so that means when my environment is messy, I feel crappy. So I’m keeping on top of my house and I’m trying to put creativity, beauty and joy into even the tiniest of things (like choosing my outfit or picking my morning coffee mug), and I’m intentionally looking for beauty in the world around me. I’ve also started a few projects to give me purpose and keep me creatively fulfilled (which I’m going to share with you guys in a later post).
Its made the world of difference and I’m genuinely feeling excited for the future and happy in the present at the moment. I obviously am still experiencing fluctuations but most of the time I’m feeling light, even when things are difficult. I seem to have re-discovered my inner moxie and instead of problems getting on top of me, I’m rolling up my sleeves and mounting them instead (that sounded way dirtier than intended!)
So if you are reading this and you feel swallowed by depression, I hope it helps, even in the smallest way. As always there are links and info on my site that give you contact details for help but if you want to just talk to someone, why not pop a comment down below and start a conversation, I for one would be happy to listen,
Be kind to each other, be kind to yourselves.